Well, my esteemed and gracious readers, it’s nearly the end of another lap around the old neighborhood thermonuclear explosion. This is when many would take pause to reflect on where they started this time around, and to blather on about their many accomplishments. But I, esteemed and gracious readers, am not one of those.
However, in a misguided effort to provide complete disclosure and full transparency, and against all the terror-stricken recommendations of my handlers, loved ones, and my cat (my most trusted advisor), I have decided to engage in just such reflection and blathering. Oh, I know, I can hear you now, “No! Please! Not that!” Yes. That.
Uh, so let’s see, yes, reflection on where I started this time around. Well, that seems kind of pointless, doesn’t it? I live in the same place as last year, on a spherical lump of rock in a slightly elliptical but highly regular orbit around the same star, wouldn’t that put me, then, in very nearly the same place as I am now? What’s that? Oh, you mean where I was in my life this time last year? I see.
When we last passed this point in the space-time continuum, we were in the throes of what we at the office like to call Reorgapalooza. That’s the “Celebration of All Things Foolish and Short-Sighted”. We hold it biennially, or anytime the stock price goes down, or anytime the wind blows, or on any random day ending in the letter Y, or . . . well, you get the idea, right? It happens about as often as the average human blinks. Which is to say, lots.
Oh, I forgot to mention this. The company’s corporate officers are convinced we sell colorful marketing logos, unintelligible org charts, spiffy SharePoint sites, and quarterly investment advice to the business press. That’s what the people they surround themselves with are telling them. Anytime they can combine those shiny baubles AND Reorgapalooza it’s a red-letter day in River City!
And that, dear and gentle readers, is why we knew that this Reorgapalooza was going to be the Reorgapalooza to end all Reorgapaloozas! Because it had not one, but TWO colorful marketing logos, a veritable Interwebz full of spiffy SharePoint sites, reams of unintelligible org charts, and, to top that off, it had a TEAM! Yes, a Reorgapalooza TEAM! With its own colorful team marketing logo! How could we go wrong! The business press was understandably agog with their quarterly advice.
So, this time last year I was dutifully poring over my Reorgapalooza Employee Survey. Now, for the uninitiated, the Reorgapalooza Employee Survey is a survey designed to extract predetermined answers from unknown employees. It’s just that easy. It bears no resemblance to a real survey and could be given to trained seals with the same result. Perfect business intel!
In fact, when we answered our Reorgapalooza Employee Surveys as honestly as possible, using the available answers, we were told that it was impossible for any human to do that, we were clearly trying to skew the results, and our answers would be changed to pull us back to the middle of the bell curve! We already know all the answers, silly mortals, we just need plausible deniability!
So, there I was in my life, now I should blather on about my accomplishments. Well, I’m still somewhat gainfully employed, that’s a plus. Can’t say that for some of my colleagues, many of whom were let go right before Thanksgiving. Yeah, I know, rat bastards, that’s exactly what I said. They laid off a 62-year-old disabled woman with 34 years service in the company right before Thanksgiving, heartless bastards!
I’m still able to do my job, in spite of the new unintelligible org charts. It seems that the Reorgapalooza Team got confused (or bored) after one or two levels in the unintelligible org charts. So they announced a Fantasy Employee League, in which the unknown employees they had managed to place in org chart boxes were forced to pick other unknown employees to fill as yet undefined org chart boxes until the pool of employee names was depleted. There were a few unknown unknowns who hired in after the employee pool was closed. They had no homes, but they were eventually found and relegated to a box. That’s called “bidness”, Junior. Think Molly Ivins.
I was also able to publish a monthly newsletter targeted at other technical employees in the firm. Well, only eleven this year, the lady who distributes it for me convinced me to combine November and December into one newsletter. I wonder if she’s still there, maybe that’s why she suggested combining. I have no idea how it’s distributed. I’m fairly certain the Reorgapalooza Team has no inkling of our newsletter, which is probably for the best. They’d probably give me a colorful logo and make me put it on a spiffy SharePoint site.
So bring on 2016! I’ll muddle through!