By rudyblues, Podunk Enquirer – The residents of the far north side residential development The Dunge Heapes at Slagge Pointe were awakened in the early morning hours of Saturday, January 9, 2016 by the sounds of tactical swat teams in full battle gear descending on their neighborhood. A task force of 200 heavily armed sheriff’s deputies and swat team members arrived in armored personnel carriers and Blackhawk assault helicopters to surround the house located at 27359 Weeping Soar Circle. A Sheriff’s Department spokesperson said they were investigating an unsubstantiated tip that the resident, 53 year-old Melvin Z. Saddleburr, was possibly involved in an ongoing conspiracy to commit felonious laziness.
Sheriff’s deputies deployed robotic unmanned assault vehicles (UAVs) as well as a Predator attack drone armed with nuclear-tipped Hellfire missiles to subdue the suspect, who was taken in to custody in his bathrobe and slippers after deputies woke him up in his Barcalounger.
“Saddleburr was found wrapped in a blanket with a pile of books and newspapers,” deputies said, during a news conference hastily convened when a jogger with a smart phone camera stopped to catch her breath in front of the residence. “This clearly indicates that he intended to do nothing.”
“We’ve taken another hardened criminal off of your streets today”, said Sheriff Thwack Armbuster to the befuddled jogger. “I shudder to think what would have happened if this scofflaw had influenced any of the children of this fine community. Can you imagine, children who want to read on Saturday morning instead of racing from soccer game to soccer game in the family’s brand new 2016 Ford Galacticca suburban assault vehicle? It’s just not the American way!”
Saddleburr was taken to the County Impound Yard on West Hell Road, where he was interrogated aimlessly by a group of Sheriff’s Department Auxiliary Cadets who were at the facility for a first aid demonstration and popcorn sale. He was then released out the back door, since deputies could not remember who brought him to the facility or why he was there. Saddleburr declined comment when contacted by text message, responding only “WTF!” The jogger who captured the press conference on smart phone could not be reached for comment, but a grainy video clip of the tops of a pair of Nikes with a muffled voice-over identified as Sheriff Armbuster is currently trending on YouTube.