USS ENTERPRISE BRIDGE – STAR DATE 3019.32 – DARK
COMMANDER DATA stands next to the empty Captain’s chair observing stars whizzing by on the forward viewing screen. The bridge is alive with the usual Star Trek bustle. RUDYBLUES materializes, transporter style, on the other side of the Captain’s chair, covered in streamers and confetti, wearing a New Year’s party hat and blowing through a cheap cardboard horn. RUDYBLUES is carrying a nearly empty bottle of champagne in one hand and a plastic champagne glass in the other. He is clearly drunk.
DATA
Hello, Mr. rudyblues. I hope that we did not send the signal at an inopportune time. You appear to be, I think the saying is, in your cups.
RUDYBLUES
Yeah, hey, no problem Data dude. Yeah, I’m lit! Woohoo! Happy New Year! Somehow, when I was channel surfing looking for the ball drop, I saw the episode of you writing cat poetry again and I figured you needed to see me, so I buzzed right over. Buzzed, get it? Whoa, dude, that forward screen gives me vertigo.
DATA
Thank you for joining me again to discuss elections in the United States. We find your society’s system of governance most fascinating, but also most confusing.
RUDYBLUES
No prob, Data dude. Anything I can do to help. Man, I never thought I’d end up here tonight. On the bridge of the USS Enterprise! Woohoo! Hope that chick is still there when I get back. She’s a hottie!
DATA
(Reaching to keep RUDYBLUES from falling into the Captain’s chair)
Mr. rudyblues, may I ask, why do you hope that a chick is still present upon your return? Our records indicate that a chick is a juvenile member of the species Gallus gallus domesticus, the domestic chicken. Is that not correct?
RUDYBLUES takes a long pull from the champagne bottle, stumbles a bit, then notices the glass in his other hand and pours more champagne into the glass.
RUDYBLUES
No man, Data dude. Chick is another name for a girl. I’d probably get crucified if she heard me use that word. That word’s kinda fallen out of favor these days.
DATA
(Reaching again to keep RUDYBLUES from falling )
And Mr. rudyblues, what is the word hottie. We have no record of that word.
RUDYBLUES
Hottie? That means she’s attractive. Now that word’s not fallen out of favor. In fact, it seems like it’s kind of a compliment these days. I don’t get it.
DATA
(Reaching once again to keep RUDYBLUES from falling )
Please, Mr. rudyblues, I must ask you to be more careful. There are many devices on the bridge which, if operated indiscriminately, could lead to disastrous consequences. I’m sure you understand.
RUDYBLUES
Yeah, I remember. Hey, do you dudes have champagne in the future? This is some good stuff right here.
DATA
(Reaching another time to keep RUDYBLUES from falling)
No, Mr. rudyblues, the form of beverage that you refer to is no longer necessary. There are methods of human mind alteration that do not carry the same negative impacts as alcohol.
RUDYBLUES
Yeah, that’s too bad. Maybe I can try some of that human mind alteration stuff you got some time. I remember the last time I was here you wanted to know about our elections. What more do you need to know about our elections, Data dude?
DATA
We have updated our records concerning your society with the information you provided during our last conversation. However, the information again revealed incongruities within our existing data about your elections that we would like you to help clarify. Can you help us to correct these incongruities?
RUDYBLUES
Yeah, uh, sure Commander Data. Your wish is my command, dude.
DATA
Thank you, Mr. rudyblues. Our records indicate that your presidential elections occur once every four Julian calendar years. Is this correct, Mr. rudyblues?
RUDYBLUES
Yeah, that’s right, every four years. And in between presidential elections, we have elections we call mid-terms. That’s when we elect some new congress critters, you know, senators and congressmen. And congresswomen too.
DATA
Our records also indicate that such an election just took place, a midterm election, in the Julian calendar month of November, in 2018. Is that correct, Mr. rudyblues?
RUDYBLUES
Yeah, that’s right. The Democratic party ended up with the majority in the House of Representatives and picked up a few seats in the Senate. And man, did we elect lots of congresswomen! Hoo.
DATA
Our records also indicate that both political parties claimed victory in the midterm elections of November 2018. Is that not correct, Mr. rudyblues?
RUDYBLUES
Yeah, that’s right too. The Republican party lost a lot of ground, but they figured if they kept calling it a victory that their base wouldn’t catch on. They’re kinda spinning their own private Idaho these days. Alternative facts, I think they call it.
DATA
I see. That is a part of the incongruities we are concerned with. Very well, I will update our records.
(DATA fixes a blank stare on nothing in particular)
DATA
There, our records are now correct. Now, Mr. rudyblues, our records also indicate that even though presidential elections occur only once every four years, many members of the Democratic party were behaving as if they were in a presidential election long before the election took place. How, exactly, can this be true, Mr. rudyblues?
RUDYBLUES takes another long pull from his champagne bottle and pours more champagne into his glass.
RUDYBLUES
Yeah, I think if you check your records we’ve been doing that for some time now. It happened back in 2014 just the same, and in 2010 too. You see, we’ve kind of developed this entire sector of our economy that is hell-bent on making sure it’s always election season. We’ve got chattering classes and talking heads and 24/7/365 political networks and lobbyists and all kinds of ne’er-do-wells who make their living going from campaign to campaign telling politicians how they ought to behave to get elected. Politicians figure they gotta get the good ones snapped up before the next guy get’s them. So they start earlier and earlier. It used to be a cottage industry, but now I think it’s maybe a castle industry. Outgrew the cottage.
DATA
This is most confusing, Mr. rudyblues. I will compile a complete report and submit it to Starfleet Command. Do you mind if I contact you if we discover more gaps in our records? I’m still interested in the outcome of the Special Counsel investigation we discussed during your last visit. Our records indicate that . . .
RUDYBLUES
(Interrupting DATA)
No, no, no you don’t! The Mueller investigation is still not over, and I don’t want to miss a thing! I bought more popcorn! No, you just give me the signal. Just say you’re going to write your next poem for your cat and I’ll zip in! Now that the WordPress Daily Post people gave me this cool time-travel thing I’m going to use it all I can.
DATA
Thank you, Mr. rudyblues. I hope you enjoy your journey back to the Julian calendar year 2019.
RUDYBLUES
Your welcome Commander Data. To infinity and beyond! Ooh, sorry, still the wrong show. Well, Happy New Year!
RUDYBLUES disappears transporter style while stumbling somewhat.
DATA
A most confusing system.
Now, as you might be able to tell from the photo, my home has zero curb appeal. No, in fact, it has negative curb appeal. In a recent survey of passengers in autos that stopped when I flagged them down, and of pedestrians who weren’t fast enough to outrun me, a full 62% said the curb in front of my house was more appealing than my house. Now mind you, it is a fine curb, but it’s high time to improve my home’s curb appeal.
Rudy's Ruminations 