Decided to report this in response to the Resolved Daily Post topic. Originally posted 2015-12-30.
So here it is, almost New Year’s Eve 2015, and you still don’t have a single thing on your “Official List of Silly Resolutions for 2016” page. Guess what? Me neither!
Not to worry, my friend. Don’t look at this as just another one of your Dismal Failures of 2015! This is actually opportunity knocking at your door! So put down that pad of paper that has “Resolutions for 2016” scrawled across the top of an empty page, place the pen in your hand on top of the pad, and get up and open the damned door for Mr. Opportunity. He’s waiting!
“Opportunity?” you might be saying, “rudyblues seems to have thrown a belt.”
No, my friends, this is opportunity with a capital “O”. Well, the capital O was actually between the quotation marks after the word opportunity, so technically speaking the opportunity did not have a capital O. Opportunity. There, happy now?
No my friends, this is your opportunity to join the ever-burgeoning legions of “Highly Successful People” who now follow my new plan, “How to be A Highly Successful Person” (Patent Applied For, if this thing pans out). I mean, come on, who doesn’t want to be highly successful? Your name is plastered all over the place, your YouTube twerking videos are all the rage, you have a TV show about people trying to keep up with you, what . . . oh, wait, you say that’s a Kardashian? Different plan. Sorry Kim. Please don’t sue me. Have you patented that plan?
So, are you ready to seize opportunity by its rheumy little nose, shake it violently like it was a worn out rag doll, and become a “Highly Successful Person”? OK, wipe your hands when you’re done and let’s get started.
Step One in the “How to be a Highly Successful Person” plan is based on a simple concept, but one that is very important, so write it down. Go get that pad and pen you put down earlier. Success is one of those things that we in the self-help racket like to call “malleable.”
Now I know, right now you’re saying “But rudyblues, isn’t a racket something bad?” Oh. Did I say self-help racket? No, I meant to say self-help industry, that’s right, it’s the self-help industry. OK, where was I?
Success is one of those things that you get to make up on your own. I mean, come on, Donald Trump thinks he’s successful, but compare him to Rockefeller and he’s chump change! Rockefeller’s money made more money than Donald Trump will ever make! How can that be considered successful?
That’s what I mean. Success doesn’t come with its own built in gauge, you have to bring your own. Now if “The Donald” had just brought his own gauge, instead of using the one that Rockefeller left (the “wealth” gauge), he’d be sleeping a whole lot better now, wouldn’t he?
So the first step in the “How to be a Highly Successful Person” is to bring your own gauge. Make sure it measures something that you’re good at, of course. I mean, if “The Donald” had brought his own gauge, like the “self-importance” gauge, or maybe “worst comb-over” gauge, he’d be in tall cotton right now, know what I mean? Here’s a list of gauges you might consider.
- The “most hairs in a mole” gauge
- The “loudest belch” gauge
- The “most annoying laugh” gauge (Fran Drescher has this one)
- The “biggest rock zombie” gauge (well, there is Keith Richards)
- The “biggest knuckle callouses” gauge (if you get it, comment)
You get the idea, right? Just make sure to gauge your success your way. Don’t use anybody else’s gauge. After all, when you look up success in the dictionary there aren’t any units listed! Pick your own measure of success, because you can!
Now, Step Two in the “How to be a Highly Successful Person” plan is also based on a simple concept, but one that is equally as important, so write it down too. You did get that pad and pen we talked about earlier, right? Success is all about perspective, so make sure you use perspective to your advantage.
Now I know, right now you’re saying “rudyblues seems to have lost his perspective.” But hear me out and you’ll see what I mean. You know those optical illusion things where they show you a picture of someone in a room that has the floor skewed so they look like a giant, and then they walk towards you and they look like a midget? Make sure that your success looks like a giant by slanting the floor!
And again, I hear you saying “But rudyblues, I can’t slant the floors, I have to sell this house in a few years.” No, I don’t mean really slant the floors. I mean present yourself with people who aren’t high on the gauge you selected in Step One of the plan.
For instance, if you’re measuring your success on the “most hairs in a mole” gauge, then always hang out with people with no moles. You’ll always look like a giant! If you’re measuring your success on the “biggest rock zombie” gauge, well, then you should probably never hang out with Keith Richards. That’s one floor-slanting zombie!
Now, Step Three in the “How to be a Highly Successful Person” plan is based on another simple concept as well, but one that is of utmost importance, so again, please write it down. I hope you’ve gotten that pad and pen, because I really don’t want to repeat myself. Set the bar low. No, I mean it, set the bar low! Make it so low that if you trip and do a full 360 face plant on your approach you’ll still make it over!
Step Three is based on the old business adage “under-promise and over-produce.” It’s also based a little bit on leveling expectations. If you’ve promised things you can’t possibly produce by choosing the wrong gauge and not tilting the floor correctly and setting the bar too high, then you’ve created expectations that can’t possibly be met! And we’ve all seen those old black and white videos of the high jumper with the bar set too high, right? Ouch! Who wants to be that guy? Face full of bar! Talk about unsuccessful.
So, if you’ve made it this far and you’re still dead set on filling out your “Official List of Silly Resolutions for 2016” page, here’s some recommendations.
- Breathe more
- Sleep more
- Eat (more or less, as you see fit)
- Laugh more
- Love more
And, to top it off, you can be done with this list by around 10:30 AM on January 1st (depending on how late you stayed out December 31st), so you’ll have the rest of 2016 to work on being a “Highly Successful Person.” If you do manage to accomplish something in 2016, just add it to the list after you’ve accomplished it. That’s how a “Highly Successful Person” would roll.
Happy 2016 everybody!